Tony's Struggle
by m.morgansten
Summary: How Tony may have felt through certain events in his life. Dark themes


Tony Stark feeling amazed but terrified at that glimpse of the universe he saw beyond Earth, Earth is so small and defenceless he thinks before he tries to settle back to sleep after his nightmare.

Tony Stark feeling fear like never before, not even from when he was in that cave, as he watches his team die around him. Calling for him to save them. His Avengers. The people he can call friends. Dying because he wasn't good enough, because his creations, his armour wasn't good enough becaua- What was that he thinks as he picks up the scepter.

Tony Stark wondering why JARVIS didn't alert him to the Robocop threat as he walks with the others to his lab. JARVIS never let him down before.

Tony Stark clawing at Thor's hand as it holds him up by the neck in desperation to seek air. Pushing back memories of the time it was Loki instead, but here he has an audience, his team. Did Clint just scoff? "Use your words big guy."

Tony Stark desperately trying to keep it together, to pay attention to what is being said, but oh god, JARVIS, he can feel that thing clawing up from inside, and did he do this and "No, there was someone else in the building." Watching in horrid fascination as the dismembered parts of his closest and most trusted friend appearing in front of his team, because JARVIS was his friend. More than a line of defence. No, he was more important than just that. But Tony wasn't even close to Ultron's interface, something like this shouldn't be possible, JARVIS would have shut it down, or - so he laughs because it's not funny but he doesn't know what else to do.

Tony Stark biting back a retort because yet again Cap thinks the worse of him. He met this guy at a charity event, he didn't know he was a black-market dealer until J informed him afterwards and - it wasn't him, it wasn't. He didn't know they were dealing under the table, that wasn't him, he stopped that as soon as he found out. It was Obi, it was Ob- Howard got it all out? "Apparently not."

Tony Stark wanting nothing more than to hurt the girl standing in front of him. Why is Cap protecting her? She played with their head's. Is this how Clint felt? Does that mean every death from the moment onwards is his fault or hers? His he suspects. And Bruce, why didn't he do something more? Why couldn't he help Bruce before the Hulk killed all those people, he wouldn't blame him if he did try to chok- wait what? You want me to shut this down, Cap I got to fix this, I did this, let me fix it, I know what I'm doing, he will save our world, he will save you.

Tony Stark starring at the screen in sickening shock as FRIDAY runs the numbers and the Sokovia death count is more than double the Ten Rings total estimated body count. And we're the good guys he thinks.

Tony Stark watching as his face and his teams get plastered over the news as he checks his phone, trying not to think of the surrounding security that are trying to keep the upset people away. Attempting to listen to the reporters talk about how much damage they caused as he responds to the email that is suggesting a big donation here will help things. Because _'You killed my son'_ is all that he can really hear and he can't help but think that the Avengers didn't manage to do the right thing this time. They made a mistake, _he_ made a mistake, and it cost the lives of millions.

Tony Stark working himself into exhaustion because every time he closes his eyes his hands are dripping in blood and the faces of people he killed surround him in the ruins of Sokovia. The Avengers are a good idea in an unrealistic world.

Tony Stark waking up form a nightmare and calling out for JARVIS, only to be hit in the chest when he realises he killed JARVIS too. He tries to focus on FRIDAY reading out weather report in an attempt to calm him.

Tony Stark who meets this lanky boy with brown hair called Peter Parker who apparently wants to be a superhero like him. He wants to say that he is no hero, to tell the boy to save himself, being a superhero means taking the beating and the blame and losing those you love.

Tony Stark wondering if he could do more to help Wanda. Steve is right she is just a kid. But she knew what she was getting herself into. She joined Hydra willingly out of revenge on him. She gave him the prompt to make Ultron, she helped Ultron and she may have lost her brother but she got welcomed with open arms while he got frosty smiles and the blame put on him. Did no one else notice he also lost someone close too. _'You killed my son'._ He can't help but feel a little childish and bitter at his thoughts, but no one can be above the law, not even himself. Right? She's not a US Citizen and she's dangerous. How many innocent people did she kill for Hydra anyway?.

Tony Stark trying to play by the rules, by the law, to do the right thing. To be responsible. _'You killed my son'._ Isn't that what Cap wanted? He wants to protect everyone but the Avengers are killing more innocents than the bad guys. As memories of Sokovia and New York swam his mind, so much so he swears he can taste blood and grit in his mouth. _'You killed my son'._ So, he signs the accords. Already working on ways to get around the new rules. Thinking the team would be proud and follow, not leave him. With Steve leading as if he has to clean up after Tony's mistakes again. He wants to scream and shout that they can't wonder around above the law, that they can't decide who follows the law and who does not, Cap please, think about it. But he's already left.

Tony Stark barely paying attention, as General Ross criticises him for not catching the Winter Solider and oh, by the way we will bill you for the damage caused in Germany, because all he wants to do is go straight to see if Rhodey is wake yet.

Tony Stark's heart dropping when he hears that half of the team have been captured and imprisoned by Ross. He wants to do something but his hands are tied by the stupid accords. Still he gets FRIDAY to check on the Barton children to make sure they are safe and left alone. But after listening to Wilson screw the accords because Steve needs his help. And that is more important.

Tony Stark throwing up after Rodgers and Barnes have walked away because his parents didn't die in an accident they were murdered by the very man that Rodgers, his friend, is protecting. And he can't help but play the entire video again and again in a loop in his head while Rodgers lies to his face in order to protect the very murderer. As Rodgers slams his father's shield down on his arc reactor, that will kill him if it brea- no, no he doesn't need it to stay alive anymore but it feels like he is dying anyway. His only hope is that FRIDAY is sending another suit because no one knows where he is and the chest plate is dented and pressing down on his ribs and he can't breathe, and the manual release is broken and the left knee joint is locked and oh god he can't breathe.

Tony Stark digging his way out of cold Siberia to finally have some good news that Rhodey may be able to walk again. Feeling so relieved he momentarily forgot about the pain in his chest and video playing on a loop in his head. Until he gets a letter and a small burner phone that takes everything in him not call, to scream himself hoarse, demand Barnes' head and beg for his friend back. Because it hurts so much. But Tony just puts both the letter and the phone in his bottom draw, under unfinished Avenger upgrade suits.

Tony Stark who woke up screaming for the tenth time that week as he watched his mother beg for her son to save her as the light leaves her eyes, will stagger out and down to his workshop in an effort to occupy his mind and he ignores yet another call from Ross. And will again watch FRIDAY as she searches for any trace of Barnes or the others as the need for revenge burns through his veins as he slams back another glass of whiskey. All while working on his suit (particularly the area of protection for the reactor.) And of course, new equipment for Rhodey that will help him recover.

Tony Stark who is finally visibly breaking for everybody to see, between the press, the public, The Avengers, Stark Industries, Ross, Rhodey, the nightmares, the video in his head, the panic attacks and all the government's that want the Avengers recaptured (A ghost of a smile crossed his face when he heard of their escape). Tony Stark who smells of sweat, oil and drink with his hair sticking up at all ends. _'You killed my son'._ Who wobbles as he stands and doesn't even make the obvious joke when given chance because even Romanoff is long gone, leaving him, Vision and a broken Rhodey to clean up. _'You killed my son'. 'You killed my son'. 'You killed my son'._

Tony Stark admitting to himself that he can't take anymore. He doesn't want to take anymore. Knowing that he is just going through the motions now. Ignoring the sad and pitying eyes. Wanting to prove himself, show that he isn't worthless. Show that he is more. _'You killed my son'._ But he is just so damn tired. Not even feeling anything when Vision steps forward to take over in the search for the Avengers, because he's just too tired to care. Even if unofficially the search is only really looking for the Winter Solider (apart from Ross), Tony just nods his head and returns to the lab to pore himself another drink and bury himself deeper into his work.

Tony Stark who when FRIDAY finally finds the Avengers has no energy to get them. In fact, he is too drunk to care. Tony who loves being Iron Man, the freedom it gives him, the feeling it gives him. who loves being a part of something as good as the Avengers, of feeling like he is finally doing something right is just so damn tired of fighting. _'You killed my son'_. He feels just so disassociated that he no longer cares about Rodgers hurting him as he did. He no longer cares what happens to Barnes as he is, if not more of a victim then Tony. Who can admit if only to himself it was never really Barnes who killed his parents in the first place it was Hydra. Tony who read the files and can see how Barnes never really had a choice. Did he feel guilty for his actions? No. But how else was he supposed to react? He just watched the video of his parents; his mother being murdered. And the murderer was standing right behind him. What else could he do.

Tony Stark who watches Pepper cry and scream at him, curse him for giving up and burying himself in drink, as he watches her walk away will put the drink in his hand down and will now experience an eight-day hangover in an effort to get sober.

Tony Stark, that despite the lack of sleep and dehydration will dart forward and catch Rhodey before he hits the ground, and will reluctantly let himself get pushed away as Rhodey insists he will do this by himself. And Tony Stark will for the first time in months will burst out laughing with pure joy as he watches his best friend make it to the other end of the room on his own. Even if it was slow and awkward. "Alright Bambi way to go".

Tony Stark who in the past year has somehow managed to carry on with his life. _'You killed my son'._ Finding the determination to show Steve, the Avengers and his father that he is not a screw up and that he is worthy of his life. Prove to Pepper that he can be a hero, in and out of the suit. He will read Steves letter once more before throwing it away and tossing the phone in a locked draw. Because he can do this without him.

Tony Stark who sees himself in this parentless boy genius who gets bullied at school. Who dreams about a better world. So, he invites the Peter to see his lab. If the boy wants to be a superhero he is damn well going to make sure that he will be better than him. Is this right? Would Captain America do something like this? Does it even matter he will ask himself? He just wants to be like him? "I want you to be better Peter."

Tony Stark giving funding to the UN mission and visiting Sokovia. Personally, overseeing the building of the new state of the art hospital and housing. The housing going to anyone that were affected by the Avengers across the world. He builds new state of the art working prosthetics for those who have lost limbs, he talks to the families of those who had died, he sits there as they shout and scream at him and he listens and apologises for not being able to do more. And some give him forgiveness, that lets him breathe a little easier when he leaves. And through this his motions get less robotic and he second guesses himself a little less.

Tony Stark watches Pepper as she eats her lunch sitting across from him at the table, he thinks that he would do anything for her.

Tony Stark upgrading everyone's armour and weapons, even the Winter Soldiers (Ruthlessly shoving the image of his dead mother away). Captain's shield displayed alongside his new suit is his room. Everything stored in the newly rebuilt Avengers institute because Tony remembered Thor's warning of an upcoming war and is determined to be ready for it this time. With minimal casualties. His new army of robots stored right underneath the site.

Tony Stark redecorating his New York tower creating a place for himself not the Avengers. Leaving only personal rooms for himself, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Vision, Bruce and a new one for Peter. Peter who will turn up at Stark Tower whenever always wanting to help him with something. Who will also attempt to join him with the complicated science, reminding him to eat very now and again. Tony who will bump into Natasha on 'accident' and is actually happy to see her alive and well, he may have mentioned that only Ross is actually looking for them and Vision was technically heading the search team but was currently busy on another project. It's not until she leaves he realises that he never once asked about Rodgers or the others, and she never told. Besides it's not like FRIDAY isn't still tracking them.

Tony Stark still dealing with nightmares that never disappear, but his PTSD gets easier for him to handle. Pushing himself to make up for his mistakes. Giving out scholarships to people that were hand-picked by him or Pepper. Going to May's for dinner, she cooked one of the best mac 'n' cheese he has had in a while. Working closely with a government organisation that wanted to tackle homelessness in New York more particularly homeless youth. Becoming the friendly Iron Man of the neighbourhood (well America really). Ending black market weapon sales, even a few Hydra bases. 'Playing' basketball with Peter and Happy with the local team downtown. Doing lectures and visiting technology conventions, all the while gathering new ideas of things to make which he passed on to Pepper. Stark Industries was doing better than before, he even turned up to a board meeting once on time (well ten minutes late, but still).

Tony Stark being shocked when FRIDAY tells him that Steve is down in the lobby. It had been nearly three years since they had last saw or spoken to each other. When Steve arrives in his lab he looks almost as Tony remembers him. But there are slight bags under his eyes and is posture is too stiff, almost as if he hadn't had a goodnight sleep in weeks. There's an awkward silence before Steve finally asks why Tony never called and all he can do is blink back at Steve before answering "You said to call if I needed you".

Tony Stark looking around the room with a soft smile on his face and seeing his Iron Man suits in various stages of repair, Dumm-E is in the corner attempting to collect certain tools. FRIDAY is up on screen running a number of different calculations for his new project. Two or Three contracts are in front of him that he is going through for Stark Industries. Favour to Pep who even brought them herself with a cup of his favourite coffee to help bribe him. There was half an eaten pizza on the side from where Happy came around the day before to say hello. Rhodeys favourite chair was in one corner of the room with his walking stick propped up, next to the chair was the table where the War Machine suit was currently being repaired. And on the right was Peter's desk where he had left his half-finished mathematics homework in a rush to get to school on time. There was a small desk for Bruce whenever he came back. A chess board out by the sofa's that himself and Vision sat at and played when he last got bored. An initiation from May for all of them to go around for dinner this Sunday night on the pin board.

Tony Stark who is for the first time, in a long time, is happy with his life and he realises in this moment that Steves opinion of him, his old team's opinion of him, whatever his father had said when he was younger did not matter. Whatever he did in his past, did not matter. Because he is making things right and after everything that has happened Tony Stark is still standing here, almost stronger than ever. When Tony looks back and Steve looks like he can't decide whether or not he is relieved he wasn't needed or sad that Tony didn't need him, Tony just gives him a real smile. Steve awkwardly nods and says "It is good to see you Tony" "You to Captain" he replies before turning his back and going back to Pepper's contracts while Steve hesitates at the dismissal before returning to the Avengers.

And when the time comes Tony Stark meets the Avengers, the Guardians and Thor's friends inside _his_ "Avenger" Institute meeting rooms. He walks in late wearing nothing but a black suit and a pair of dark glasses with his phone in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. goes to sit with Rhodey, Peter and Vision. He scans all their faces, noticing the tension and the mistrust but he ignores it. Gives Bruce a hug and the Avengers there upgraded suits and weapons. He communicates with the governments, gives each potentially affected area warnings where possible. He smiles and makes little jokes with the newbies, nobody mentions how he flinched when Steve moved too quickly towards him.

And when they return victorious and covered in blood and dirt, Tony Stark smiles and says goodbye.


End file.
